Saturday, July 9, 2011

Where am I going?

My life if changing and it’s feeling very strange around here.
I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to be on “high alert” for flying objects; I don’t need to lock up my make up, shampoo and deodorant. There’s no one slamming doors or breaking mirrors.
The police are not at my door three times a week. I go to bed and sleep straight through each night. Yes, my youngest child is turning eighteen very soon and she’s spending more and more time with the boyfriend she’s moving in with. Although she still lives here, the pressure is decreasing, the stress level is down and I’m getting a small glimpse of what I can do with the rest of my life.
I will continue to participate in NAMI and Bipolar Awareness and yes, I will still be a member of the ACLU. I’ve been able to provide resources for many parents who can’t find the answers they’ve been searching for, this is what I do. I will still advocate for any and all students who need me in a school and my phone will still ring with mothers who just need someone to share their frustrations with.
I’ve lost more battles than I can count but, I’ve also learned so much about myself along the way. I’ve become the mom that all of the kids turn to when no one understands them. And yet, I can’t seem to make any progress with my own child…funny how that stuff works.
Releasing this child to find her own way hasn’t been an easy decision for me but when I weigh it all out, I know this is how it has to be. For whatever reason, she’s never going to improve while living under my roof. There’s too much water under this bridge. Someday I may be able to look back and see what happened and where I went wrong-or where I went right. For now, it’s about new beginnings for her and for me. I will still remain a support for her in everyway I can. There will be doctors and lawyers and things that she can’t do for herself. In order to keep her from being taken advantage of, I will always be there for these things. And of course to just talk or hang out or whatever.
Sometimes the only way to help someone you love is to let go.

Using the Robin Wood Tarot I shuffled and asked: Where am I going?
The Six of Swords, moving away from the constant mental stresses and troubles. In this image, I can relate to feeling like I’m now a shadow of who I was-and I’m finally moving towards the future. The water is calm and the day is bright. I seem to be moving towards the Nine of Pentacles and all of the security that this card implies. The lady is safely behind her gate and she’s enjoying the things she’s worked to achieve. The bird reminds me of freedom. From here I go to the Fool and this is really where I am…ready to take that step into the unknown.
These three cards have set my mind to thinking about what I want to do now, how I will do it and where it will lead. It’s sort of exciting that after raising children for twenty four years, I can finally open a new chapter and begin a new way of life. Yet, it’s all too new right now. I do know that I will always be looking ahead and not looking back.

1 comment:

  1. Mary -

    (((((Huggies))))) Wishing you and H. well on your now separate journey's.